Thursday, July 24, 2014

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

Way to be Safe


We've lived in our current neighborhood for a little over two years now. Several months in, I noticed this little sign on the door of our neighborhood Safeway supermarket. I snapped it (sorry about the finger in shot), then forgot about it for several more months. This was long before all the recent "open carry" and assault-rifles-in-Chipotle controversy.

There are two other Safeway stores in this town, but neither of them have a sign like this. Why? Could it have something to do with the fact that they are not on the edge of a ghetto, like mine?

I love my neighborhood.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

LEETcense Place Dept.: Quickies


EEL POOT: fish fart.


SAGE TOT: Wise child.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

LEETcense Plate Extravaganza

You all might be getting a little bored of me and my seeming LEETcense plate obsession, but I'm certainly not tired of it! Well, I might be after this bonanza. The reason I'm hitting you with so many at once is because I've been kind of busy and tired, what with work and all. As I drive about in my wittle bus, and I see a LEETcense plate, at a safe moment I will print out a transfer ticket and jot down the funny. I save the tickets in my backpack for later blogging. Because of the aforementioned busy/tired thing, I had amassed quite a collection of the suckers, and now it's time to clean house! I'm hoping most of you are by now familiar enough with how LEET works that I won't have to insult your intelligence by translating each one for you, except when necessary for clarification.


Some of the most satisfying LEETcense plates are the ones that make pretty much a complete sentence. The first one answers the all-important question, "Who bit?". Why, 'twas Gail who bit, of course. The second describes what must be done before one can sell a pig in a poke.


Moving along...


Many cannibals agree that guys are best for grilling, but gals are tastiest when chopped in bits and cooked in a broth with vegetables.


But shit soup is something no one likes.


This one is actually a bit sad, at least to me. My first thought was of poor Miss Frank crying in that historic attic. Sorry, that's not funny at all. It's just how my mind works sometimes. And yes, I know her name was actually Anne.



Speaking of things that aren't funny, biological warfare isn't either.


This wasn't actually a California plate, but I didn't catch what state it was. "Less beg, more work" is something one might say to a mendicant.


The cast of the 1992 thriller Single White Female included Bridget Fonda, Jennifer Jason Leigh and Steven Weber.


Peg had a lot of gall to make a pie out of...well, gall. Yuck.


"Did you go to the reunion?"
"Yeah, I went."
"See Pete?"
"Yeah, I saw him."
"How'd he look?"
"He looked great, damn him! Oh, why was I such a fool?!"


This was from an older, blue and yellow six-character California plate, and is a necessary item for those momentous times when pigs fly.


The short-lived, attempted spin-off of the wildly successful TV series Gunsmoke, about the comical misadventures of the apprentice gunsmith who cleaned Marshall Dillon's firearms.


I like to think that I drive my bus like a boss. At any rate, much like the captain of a ship, I am the boss of the bus.


I hesitated to use this one because it's a little vague and maybe a lot cerebral (and whether you are willing to pronounce that Y in the middle of a word like a long "i"), but I imagine something like this:

AMERICAN CLOTHING SIZES          HOW THE FRENCH SEE THEM

Small                                                      Normal
Medium                                                  Husky
Large                                                      Fat
Extra Large                                             FAAT!

How about a visitor from out of state?


An ego urp is a relative of the brain fart.

Getting near the end now. For me, the holy grails of LEETcense plates are ones that contain whole, prurient words like TITS, BOOBS or POOP. I've seen several 717s, but nothing yet that would give a nice pair of tits. And it would be a rare plate indeed that would give you all the necessary characters to spell BOOBS, but I came close when I saw...


I don't like having to use partial plates, but sadly, the first three characters can't be made into anything at all. Still, I thought I was pretty cool that we got one boob.

I've also seen a few POOs, but nothing worth blogging about until I saw this, although it is also only a partial...


I just could not come up with anything for the EWC, but at least we had a whole POOP. Then I saw this baby...


You would think that would be the mack daddy of all POO plates, but I still kept my eyeballs peeled for the elusive and possibly mythological POOP in a sentence. Then one day I thought I saw one that used POOP followed by three other characters which made a kind of sense on a pickup truck. I think I've mentioned before that trucks in California use the pattern "numeral letter five numerals", so I began to doubt that I had seen correctly, because the one letter I saw was in the sixth character position. Then after further observation, I discovered that California trucks also use the pattern "five numerals letter numeral". So now I proudly present for your reading pleasure...


If that's too much information for you, then I apologize.

Monday, March 31, 2014

Funny Faces Dept.




These three comical robotic faces are all in the company shuttle van.

What Would Jesus Do (About Boobs)?


In case I haven't mentioned it before, I drive a bus. There are several of these advertisements for a local radio station in various bus stop shelters. If that looks like a large pair of breasts behind the the word "radio", that's because that is exactly what they are. The first time I saw this ad, as I flashed by in my bus (because no one was waiting at that shelter), I thought that the breasts were bare. A subsequent passing seemed to bear out that the breasts were indeed covered by something. Finally, when no one was on board, I stopped at one of the shelters and gave the poster a good...long...look - you know, just to make sure.

So basically what we have here is what appears to be a Warholish coloring of a photograph of a woman's torso clad in a bikini top. There are also some posters that feature a man's bare chest. Now using flesh - especially boobs - to sell something is nothing new. What's confusing about this particular ad campaign is that these two radio stations (AM 930 and FM 104.5) are CHRISTIAN! What is up with that?

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

LEETcense Plate Dept. More Ess Words


I can't really think of a satisfactory joke for "shy bite", but it's pretty cute sounding, isn't it?


Many people assume that "shia gas" is when the actor LaBeouf flatuates, which is true in the very strictest sense of the term. Actually, it refers to the noxious fumes emitted by the former child star in general.

His hair grease alone could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.