Saturday, December 1, 2018

The Continuing History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

Just in time for the holidays, it's...

The Continuing History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

DISCLAIMER: Much of what you are about to read was previously written by The Mistress in her Definitive History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. The Mistress was growing weary of being the historian for The Shorts, so she passed that honor to me, in light of my recent involvement in keeping the competition alive. So if the words sound familiar, all I can say is - I could not improve upon perfection. Besides, much of the early history of TFGES happened long before I joined this story.

Slinky, stinky and tinkly
ONCE UPON A TIME...

,,,Christmas, 2004, to be exact. Andrea Knapp...

Our Queen
...a British ex-pat now residing in Ohio, bought a pair of novelty elf shorts for her husband, George, as a gag gift.

Just for shits and giggles, Andrea took a photo of George wearing the shorts and posted it on her blog.

Andrea then decided to turn the post into a caption competition, with the prize being the shorts themselves. 

Andrea never dreamed  that ANYONE would actually want to win them.

"Of course," Andrea is quoted as saying, "the blogging world decided otherwise!"

Thus was born The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

HOW IT WORKS:

The general idea of the competition is to post a picture of yourself wearing The Shorts (as they quickly became known - their instant fame and undying importance is denoted by the capitol letters) on your blog and invite readers to provide captions. You then choose the best caption and send the winner The Shorts. If the winner is from another country, tradition has it that you should include one or more souvenirs from your country with The Shorts.

THE FOUNDERS, THE WINNERS AND THEIR LOCATIONS AND APPROXIMATE DATES OF POSSESSION OF THE SHORTS:

OHIO, U.S.A.: ANDREA & GEORGE - DECEMBER 2004 TO FEBRUARY 2005

Here is the picture that started it all:

Nice gams.
Frally won the first competition with this caption:

"I worked in Santa's Workshop and all I got were these lousy shorts."


Although Andrea's blog has not been updated since 2017, you can read her original TFGES post HERE (scroll past the broken image at the top), and you can see her results HERE (again, ignore broken image at top). To see what Andrea's up to currently, go HERE


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Andrea lovingly packed up The Shorts, along with some souvenirs from the good ol' U.S. of A, and sent them to their new foster home in...

CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND: FRALLY - 2005

Now it was Frally's turn to model The Shorts:

Cool shirt.

Jon provided the winning caption:

"Peter Pan rejoiced as his sex-change was complete!"


All links to Frally's blog are extinct.

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Now The Shorts were off to jolly old...

REDCAR, ENGLAND: JON - 2005

Sadly, Jon's blog is no longer with us, but the following picture survives to document the glory that was Jon in The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts:

Oh, my
Legend has it that this is when The Shorts first started showing signs of being over-stretched.

Kim won Jon's competition with this witticism:

"Hmmmm...heels or flats? What would Jesus do?"

And just for historical accuracy, here's a (*ahem*)...BONUS gratuitous close-up of Jon wrecking The Shorts:


Schwing, batter!

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Now The Shorts were back in the state of their birth...

OHIO, U.S.A.: KIM - MAY, 2005

The comely Kim modeled The Shorts...

Try the wine!

...and Karen won with this caption:

"This elf costume rides up my ass more than Santa when he's drunk and randy."

Kim's blog hasn't been updated since 2013, and the link to her competition is extinct.


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And so The Shorts journeyed to...

CANADA: KAREN - 2005

This was The Shorts' first landing in Canada (but it wouldn't be the last).

Sadly, the photo of Karen in The Shorts has been lost, and access to her blog is by invitation only, so one can only imagine what prompted THIS winning caption by Spirit of Owl:

"And another thing", said the elf, "I faked MY orgasms, too."


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And with that The Shorts hopped across the Pond to...

BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND: SPIRIT OF OWL - JUNE TO JULY 2005

Here is the photo of Spirit of Owl (AKA: Neil White) in The Shorts:



And Strude's winning caption:



"I have ta warn ya, me wee laddies, I may be drunk."

Owl's blog is still around to inform you it is dead (loads very slowly-probably because it's dead) but you can still still his COMPETITION and the RESULTS.


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Then The Shorts traveled to...

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH, U.S.A.: STRUDE - 2005

Here is Strude's picture:




Some say the stains may have worsened at this point.

PuppDaddy won Strude's contest with this caption:

"The Peter Pan understudy would mysteriously disappear for entire rehearsals, then complain that his legs were asleep and he'd lost feeling in his toes."

The link connected with Strude's blog in The Mistress's history isn't just broken, it appears to have been hijacked by an extremely dodgy-looking fake web magazine purporting to be about women's health, but which only contains links leading to dating sites, so I won't include it here.


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So now The Shorts made their way to...

STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA, U.S.A.: PUPPDADDY - 2005

PuppDaddy struck a heroic pose...


The hero Pennsylvania deserves

...and Matthias won the day with this short but sweet caption:

"Elf Begins" (inspired by the film "Batman Begins")

PuppDaddy's blog is still around, but it hasn't been updated since 2009, and links to his competition are lost.


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Now The Shorts went to...

BERN, SWITZERLAND: MATTHIAS - OCTOBER 2005

Here's Matthias' take on the joys of Shorts ownership and parenthood:




And the winning caption by April Pissoff:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

You've got the Green Elf Shorts

I've got poo."

Matthias' blog hasn't been updated since 2015, but links to his compo and the results are HERE and HERE, respectively.


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Now The Shorts were headed back to...

CANADA: APRIL PISSOFF - NOVEMBER, 2005

Where April really went all out in hosting her own competition...




...which Herge Smith won with this caption:

"He didn't know what was the most kinky - the elf shorts, the mask, the inter-species rutting, or his snazzy white ankle socks."

All links to April's blog are by invitation only.


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Now TFGES bounce back to...

ENGLAND: HERGE SMITH - NOVEMBER 2005 TO JULY 2006

At the time, it was thought that Herge held onto The Shorts for the longest time, but his eight months would later be eclipsed many times over. He even took them on vacation to Malvern and the west coast of Scotland.

Here is Herge's Shorts picture:




...and winning caption by Ship Creak:

"Oh, I can't; someone's been here already."

Herge's blog hasn't been updated since 2011, but here is a link to his COMPETITION and the RESULTS. Also worth a read is his story of how he won The Shorts.


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The Shorts soon found themselves in another (but undisclosed) part of the...

UNITED KINGDOM: SHIP CREAK - 2006 OR 2007

...where they were lured into the sleazy world of low-budget porn shoots in Ship Creak's bedroom...




...for which SID (Stupid Irish Daddy) provided the winning caption:

"There's no place like Gnome."

Ship Creaks's blog is self-declared dead since 2005, and the links to the compo are lost.


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Now The Shorts traveled to the Emerald Isle for the first time...

NORTHERN IRELAND: S.I.D. (STUPID IRISH DADDY) - 2006 OR 2007

While the world waited for SID to put up his competition, he said we'd have to be satisfied for the time being with this stand-in:




Finally SID graced the internet with this hilarious photo...


This cracks me up
...and Steve from Dorset wrote the winning caption:

"Verne Troyer and Bernard Manning caught on camera rehearsing their parts for Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest smash hit - 'Crying Game: The Musical'."

All links to SID's blog are dead.


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The Shorts head back to...

DORSET, ENGLAND: STEVE - 2006 OR 2007

Steve (considered by some to be England's finest postie) vogued for the camera...




...and The Mistress (AKA 'MJ') took the day and The Shorts with an epic poem of a winning caption. I'll let The Mistress set the scene in her own words:

"This poem is about Steve's fag hag wife Carly. She's tarted herself up on Christmas Eve awaiting the return home of her beloved Steve. She's hoping for a night of the old in-out-in-out. But closet-case Steve shows up on the doorstep with a 'poofy old queer', i.e. Steve's poofter pal John (AKA 'Piggy'). It's a true story!"

A Fag Hag's Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and somewhere in Dorset
Carly put on her high heels and corset
The sex toys were placed on the mantle with care
In hopes that her Stevie soon would be there.
The kids in their beds were all safely tucked
“Let Steve be here soon and please let me get fucked!
Carly awaited the jolly old elf
But he took so damn long she got started herself
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter
She tripped o’er the vibrator cord to see what was the matter
When what to her wandering eyes should appear
But a postie in elf shorts and a poofy old queer
Steve spoke not a word but reached under his sac
Anal beads and a dildo pulled out of his crack
“I’ve been havin’ some fun with this Yorkshire fairy
You’re too smooth, Carly. I like ‘em hairy.
Carly smiled at the pair and invited them in
I’ll put on some Kylie, help yourself to the gin
Steve exclaimed as he raised his glassful of cheer
“I’m homo for the holidays, get used to it dear!"

Wow.

By the way, The Mistress says that between SID and Steve, The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts became so stained beyond recognition that no amount of scrubbing on her part could erase them, so she apologizes to all subsequent winners.

All links to Steve's and John's blogs are broken.

Update 12/04/2018: Mistress informs me that John passed away in 2010. Here is her post about this sad event.


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The Shorts traveled back to...

CANADA: THE MISTRESS (A.K.A.: MJ) - MAY TO JUNE 2007

Mistress teased us before she pleased us:




Soon Mistress posted this pic of her bravely (or foolishly) wearing The Shorts over her face...



...to which Inexplicable DeVice (IDV) winningly quipped:




"Ladyboy MJ quickly covers her 5 o'clock shadow and Adam's apple with The Elf Shorts as she catches sight of her next punter."

The Mistress' blog is still going strong. Click the following links to view her TFGES PREVIEW, her COMPO,  and her RESULTS.

Mistress didn't take just one photo with The Shorts; here are some from the cutting room floor:
T





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The Mistress had a hard time parting ways with The Shorts, but eventually she sent them to their new home in...

NORWICH, NORFOLK, ENGLAND: IDV (INEXPLICABLE DeVICE) - SEPTEMBER 2007

Here is IDV's captionable image...




...and winning caption by Eroswings (another poem):

"IDV thighs,
IDV thighs,
Every morning you greet me.
Long and White,
Smooth and Bright,
You look horny to meet me.
Blossom among Hoes
May you Bloom and Glow
Bloom and Glow forever
IDV thighs
IDV thighs
Be STD free forever"

IDV's BLOG is still a thing of beauty. Here you can read his helpful RULES for the competition, his actual COMPO, and his RESULTS.

And here, just for the fun of it, are some photo-manipulations of the above pic by S.I.D. that I found while researching this history:





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Now The Shorts relocated to...

TEXAS, U.S.A.: EROSWING - NOVEMBER TO DECEMBER 2007

Here's Eroswing's beef-cakey pose...




...which Tatas captioned with yet another rhymey thingy:

"Them elf shorts they don't fit,
He needs to use them to cover his bits.
He holds on to his hat as the wind picks up,
For hours he'll be getting sand out from his butt."

Eroswing's BLOG is still running, and you may here see his COMPO and the RESULTS.

And here's a bonus photo of Eroswing actually wearing The Shorts on his booty on Booty Street:



And here's a photo-composition IDV made:




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Back across the Pond to...

BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND: TATAS - 2007 OR 2008

...where Tatas posted this pic...


Is there a bustle in your hedgerow?

...and CyberPete won with...WHAT! ANOTHER poem?:

"With boots of rubber
waiting for her lubber
ready for action
with decent traction
bum in place
and hidden face
the shorts so snug
you can see her rug
but gentlemen beware
and tread with care
the hedge clippers are ready
so keep it steady
if not she will snip
and it won't be your lip."

All links to Tata's blog are broken.


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For the first time The Shorts traveled to...

DENMARK: CYBERPETE - MAY 2008 TO SEPTEMBER 2010

CyberPete posted this hilarious photo...




...for which Donn (yes, with two N's) won with this caption:

"Hey Sailor, 
mi Curaçao es su Curaçao 
u like?
H'OKAY TWANTEE DULLAH!"

CyberPete held on to The Shorts for an astonishingly long time (but not as long as someone eIse, as you will see). At least she seemed to have a grand time with them and took A LOT of pictures to prove it:


















Pete seems ready to say goodbye
Finally all packed up with some Danish goodies and ready to head to Donn
CyberPete's BLOG has not been updated since 2016, but here are da RULES, da COMPO, and da RESULTS.


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Now, for the fourth time, The Shorts visited the Land Up Above...

WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA: DONN - OCTOBER 2010

Here's Donn receiving The Shorts:




Shortly (see what I did there?) thereafter Donn posted this amazing collage:




This is when my own fate became intertwined with those of The Shorts. Little then did I realize how large a part of my life they were to become.

I had recently made friends with Donn via the blogosphere, and so I was able to have my own go at writing a caption for his pic. My effort wasn't very good, I realize now, and so it's little wonder that the prize went to Beast with his multiple captions in word balloons:



Giant Beaver: "Nice shorts, girlyboy"

First Terrorist: "Yoohoo"

Second Terrorist: Fucky! Fucky!


Donn: "Why Me???"


DONN'S BLOG has not been updated since 2015, but here we see DONN RECEIVING THE SHORTS, his COMPO, and his RESULTS.


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The Shorts hopped back over to...

BOURNMOUTH, DORSET, ENGLAND: BEAST - APRIL TO MAY 2011



At this point the time-line of The Shorts became a bit muddled. All that's known for certain is that The Shorts languished in the slovenly "care" of Beast for some months. Undisclosed sources had it that he was wearing them to bed each night in place of his SpongeBob boxer shorts. At some point Beast's neighbor Ms. Scarlet took matters into her own hands and removed The Shorts from Beast's clutches. According to The Mistress, this involved the use of tongs to lift them from the floor of Beast's den. As Beast would have us believe, The Shorts were nicked from his clothesline where they were airing out. Here is photographic evidence for his claim:



The truth may never be known, but the world owes Ms. Scarlet a debt of gratitude for saving The Shorts from possible death by neglect. All told, The Shorts contest was inactive from about November of 2010 to June of 2012, but this STILL wasn't the longest time The Shorts were held captive by a winner.

Beast's BLOG has not been updated since 2017, and of course there are no links to his competition, because there never was one.


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Now The Shorts were...

DEVON, ENGLAND: MS. SCARLET - MAY TO JUNE 2012

Needless to say, there is no picture of Beast wearing the Shorts, but Ms. Scarlet hosted her own contest with the purloined rescued Shorts (after a prolonged and complicated sterilization process):




This was the first time in Shorts History that someone won them a second time. That winner was IDV with this gem:

"On the set of Tim Burton's latest film, Edwina Elfshorts, Helena Bottom-Carter glumly awaits take twenty-three of the 'wedgie' scene."

Ms. Scarlet's old BLOG is still around (sort of) but here is her NEW BLOG, and here are her TFGES COMPO  and RESULTS.

Here's a bonus photo of "Scarlet" frisking in The Shorts:





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The Shorts went back to...

NORWICH, NORFOLK, ENGLAND: IDV - JUNE 2012 TO MAY 2013

...where IDV posted his second wearin' o' the green...




...for which Princess supplied the winning caption:

"Dr. DeVice opens his new Dental Clinic:

'Let me thrill you while I drill you'"

Here are IDV's ANNOUNCEMENT of his reluctant (and unintended) second win, his RULES, his COMPO, and the RESULTS.


And here is a bonus photo-composition by IDV:




And here is yet another bonus teaser photo of IDV in The Shorts. To be totally honest, I can't recall if this one was from his first competition or his second, and I'm too tired to try to figure it out:


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Now The Shorts were making their first trip Down Under...

BENDIGO, VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA: PRINCESS - JUNE 2013 TO ??????

That was in June of 2013, and it was the last time that particular pair of Elf Shorts was seen in public. 

For reasons unknown, Princess never got around to hosting her own competition. She seemed quite eager to get them as you can see HERE and HERE.

Sharp-eyed readers may have noted that the date in that first link is one day BEFORE IDV's announcement of the winner. At first I thought something hinky was afoot, until I remembered that Australia is a day ahead of England. Bloody time-travelers - always getting the news first.

When the blessed day arrived, Prinny seemed quite thrilled, although she did take the precaution of handling The Shorts with tongs (a prevailing theme with TFGES it seems) and bunging them into an inert glass jar with a securely-sealing lid:
What on Earth!?

Aaauuuggghhh! It's alive!
"Quick, Henry! The Flit!"

Well, at least it didn't come empty-handed. These should keep it at bay while I fetch the tongs.


Whew! That was a close one!
After months stretched into years, in early 2017 yours truly decided to get proactive. I made attempts to contact Prinny via the blogosphere, and email. Such attempts failed. I have a very good friend who lives about 40 miles from Bendigo. He said that if I could find out where Prinny lived, he'd pay him a friendly visit to inquire about The Shorts.

So, using clues gleaned from Prinny's blog and Google Maps and Earth, I finally managed to locate Prinny's lair. Before siccing my friend (who is a big pussy cat, but is rather intimidating-looking) on him, I wrote Prinny a snail mail, informing him that his previously secure location was no longer so secure. Either the letter went astray in Australia, or Prinny ignored it. Unfortunately, my friend has some health issues, and he wasn't able to mount the expedition to exotic Bendigo.

I then contacted Andrea, the lady who started all this so many years ago. I explained the situation, and asked her where she had gotten The Shorts. I figured getting a new pair from the same source would be the closest I could come to the long-lost originals. To my surprise and delight, she said she would order a new pair from the same website she'd used, and she even offered to foot the bill. What a saint! A new pair from the founder of the competition was even closer to the original Shorts! 

Prinny's BLOG has not been updated since 2017, and to date she has not held a competition.


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So now The Shorts were in...

NORTHERN CALIFORNIA: RIMPY - JULY TO AUGUST 2018

Shortly after receiving The (new) Shorts...




...I revived the moribund competition, much to the joy of their many fans around the world. Here I am, modeling them, stain-, stink-, and (somewhat) stretch-free:


Sorry about your eyes
AlopJones was the first Tumblr blog owner to participate in TFGES Caption Competition, and she won with this caption:

"'Try online dating,' they said. 'Everyone's doing it,' they said. 'What've you got to lose?' they said."

The link to my competition is above, and here are the RESULTS.


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So The Shorts were now on their way to...

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: ALPOJONES - SEPTEMBER  TO NOVEMBER 2018

There was much anticipation of the arrival of The Shorts in the Emerald City:



Finally they arrived:



Here is AlpoJones' official competition picture:



And here is a bonus photo sporting a suspicious stain:




Here are links to AlpoJones' BLOG and COMPETITION, plus a special ANNOUNCEMENT on my blog.

Ms. Scarlet became another two-time winner with this caption:


"There's nothing like a good fiddle under my bonnet with a few chums."

So The Shorts were now heading back to:

DEVON, ENGLAND: MS. SCARLET - NOVEMBER 2018 TO ?

AlpoJones sent off The Shorts and some souvenirs in short (heh heh) order. Ms. Scarlet says she should have her competition up - appropriately - by Christmas. We can't wait to see who enters, who wins and where The Shorts shall go next.


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That is the whole history, as near as I could make it, of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition up to this point. If anyone has any corrections or suggestions, please email me at rimpyrimpington@gmail.com, or in the comments section of this post. I would love to hear from you. I would especially like to hear from anyone who may have contact information for former winners of The Shorts who have disappeared from the interwebs:

Frally
Jon
Kim
Karen
Spirit of Owl
Strude
PuppDaddy
Matthias
April Pissoff
Herge
Ship Creak
S.I.D.
Steve
Tata
Beast

and especially...

Princess. No one's mad at you, Prinny - we just want to make sure you, the Empress and The (Original) Shorts are okay.

I shall continue to update new moments in the life of The Shorts as they happen, as long as I have breath left in me.

And before I go, I'd like to give a big "thank you" to Andrea, the founder and reviver of the The Freaking Green Elf Shorts Competition. We love you!
All Hail Elf Queen Andrea - the Founder of the Fest