The Continuing History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

Just in time for the holidays, it's...

The Continuing History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

DISCLAIMER: Much of what you are about to read was previously written by The Mistress in her Definitive History of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts. The Mistress was growing weary of being the historian for The Shorts, so she passed that honor to me, in light of my recent involvement in keeping the competition alive. So if the words sound familiar, all I can say is - I could not improve upon perfection. Besides, much of the early history of the FGES happened long before I joined this story.

Slinky, stinky and tinkly.

ONCE UPON A TIME...

...Christmas, 2004, to be exact. Andrea Knapp...

Our Queen.

...a British ex-pat now residing in Ohio, bought a pair of novelty elf shorts for her husband, George, as a gag gift.

Just for shits and giggles, Andrea took a photo of George wearing the shorts and posted it on her blog.

Andrea then decided to turn the post into a caption competition, with the prize being the shorts themselves. 

Andrea never dreamed  that ANYONE would actually want to win them.

"Of course," Andrea is quoted as saying, "the blogging world decided otherwise!"

Thus was born The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

HOW IT WORKS:

The general idea of the competition is to post a picture of yourself wearing The Shorts (as they quickly became known - their instant fame and undying importance is denoted by the capitol letters) on your blog and invite readers to provide captions. You then choose the best caption and send the winner The Shorts. If the winner is from another country, tradition has it that you should include one or more souvenirs from your country with The Shorts.

THE FOUNDERS, THE WINNERS AND THEIR LOCATIONS AND APPROXIMATE DATES OF POSSESSION OF THE SHORTS:

OHIO, U.S.A.: ANDREA & GEORGE - DECEMBER 2004 TO FEBRUARY 2005

Here is the picture that started it all:

Nice gams.

Frally won the first competition with this caption:

"I worked in Santa's Workshop and all I got were these lousy shorts."

Although Andrea's blog has not been updated since 2017, you can read her original TFGES post HERE (scroll past the broken image at the top), and you can see her results HERE (again, ignore broken image at top). To see what Andrea's up to currently, go HERE. 

***********************************************************************************************************

Andrea lovingly packed up The Shorts, along with some souvenirs from the good ol' U.S. of A, and sent them to their new foster home in...

CHRISTCHURCH, NEW ZEALAND: FRALLY - 2005

Now it was Frally's turn to model The Shorts:

Cool shirt.

Jon provided the winning caption:

"Peter Pan rejoiced as his sex-change was complete!"

All links to Frally's blog are extinct.

**********************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts were off to jolly old...

REDCAR, ENGLAND: JON - 2005

Sadly, Jon's blog is no longer with us, but the following picture survives to document the glory that was Jon in The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts:

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just happy to see us?

Legend has it that this is when The Shorts first started showing signs of being over-stretched.

Kim won Jon's competition with this witticism:

"Hmmmm...heels or flats? What would Jesus do?"

And just for historical accuracy, here's a (*ahem*)...BONUS gratuitous close-up of Jon wrecking The Shorts:

Sch-wwwing, Batter!

************************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts were back in the state of their birth...

OHIO, U.S.A.: KIM - MAY, 2005

The comely Kim modeled The Shorts...

Come here often?

...and Karen won with this caption:

"This elf costume rides up my ass more than Santa when he's drunk and randy."

Kim's blog hasn't been updated since 2013, and the link to her competition is extinct.

*********************************************************************************************************

And so The Shorts journeyed to...

CANADA: KAREN - 2005

This was The Shorts' first landing in Canada (but it wouldn't be the last).

Shorts Not Found.

Sadly, the photo of Karen in The Shorts has been lost, and access to her blog is by invitation only, so one can only imagine what prompted THIS winning caption by Spirit of Owl:

"And another thing", said the elf, "I faked MY orgasms, too."

**********************************************************************************************************

And with that The Shorts hopped across the Pond to...

BRADFORD, YORKSHIRE, ENGLAND: SPIRIT OF OWL - JUNE TO JULY 2005

Here is the photo of Spirit of Owl (AKA: Neil White) in The Shorts:

And Strude's winning caption:

"I have ta warn ya, me wee laddies, I may be drunk."

Owl's blog is still around to inform you it is dead (loads very slowly - probably because it's dead) but you can still see his COMPETITION and the RESULTS.

*********************************************************************************************************

Then The Shorts traveled to...

SALT LAKE CITY, UTAH, U.S.A.: STRUDE - 2005

Here is Strude's picture:

Some say the stains may have worsened at this point.

PuppDaddy won Strude's contest with this caption:

"The Peter Pan understudy would mysteriously disappear for entire rehearsals, then complain that his legs were asleep and he'd lost feeling in his toes."

The link connected with Strude's blog in The Mistress's history isn't just broken, it appears to have been hijacked by an extremely dodgy-looking fake web magazine purporting to be about women's health, but which only contains links leading to dating sites, so I won't include it here.

******************************************************************************************************

So now The Shorts made their way to...

STATE COLLEGE, PENNSYLVANIA, U.S.A.: PUPPDADDY - 2005

PuppDaddy struck a heroic pose...

The hero Pennsylvania deserves.

...and Matthias won the day with this short but sweet caption:

"Elf Begins" (inspired by the film "Batman Begins")

PuppDaddy's blog is still around, but it hasn't been updated since 2009, and links to his competition are lost.

***************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts went to...

BERN, SWITZERLAND: MATTHIAS - OCTOBER 2005

Here's Matthias' take on the joys of Shorts ownership and parenthood:

And the winning caption by April Pissoff:

"Roses are Red

Violets are Blue

You've got the Green Elf Shorts

I've got poo."

Matthias' blog hasn't been updated since 2015, but links to his compo and the results are HERE and HERE, respectively.

***************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts were headed back to...

CANADA: APRIL PISSOFF - NOVEMBER, 2005

Where April really went all out in hosting her own competition...

...which Herge Smith won with this caption:

"He didn't know what was the most kinky - the elf shorts, the mask, the inter-species rutting, or his snazzy white ankle socks."

All links to April's blog are by invitation only.

*************************************************************************************************************

Now TFGES bounce back to...

ENGLAND: HERGE SMITH - NOVEMBER 2005 TO JULY 2006

At the time, it was thought that Herge held onto The Shorts for the longest time, but his eight months would later be eclipsed many times over. He even took them on vacation to Malvern and the west coast of Scotland.

Here is a photo of Herge and the Shorts published on the eve of his competition:

And here is Herge's official Shorts competion picture:

...and winning caption by Ship Creak:

"Oh, I can't; someone's been here already."

Herge's blog hasn't been updated since 2011, but here is a link to his COMPETITION and the RESULTS. Also worth a read is his story of how he won The Shorts.

***********************************************************************************************************

The Shorts soon found themselves in another (but undisclosed) part of the...

UNITED KINGDOM: SHIP CREAK - 2006 OR 2007

...where they were lured into the sleazy world of low-budget porn shoots in Ship Creak's bedroom...

...for which SID (Stupid Irish Daddy) provided the winning caption:

"There's no place like Gnome."

Ship Creaks's blog is self-declared dead since 2005, and the links to the compo are lost.

*************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts traveled to the Emerald Isle for the first time...

NORTHERN IRELAND: S.I.D. (STUPID IRISH DADDY) - 2006 OR 2007

While the world waited for SID to put up his competition, he said we'd have to be satisfied for the time being with this stand-in:

Finally SID graced the internet with this hilarious photo...

This cracks me up.

...and Steve from Dorset wrote the winning caption:

"Verne Troyer and Bernard Manning caught on camera rehearsing their parts for Andrew Lloyd Webber's latest smash hit - 'Crying Game: The Musical'."

All links to SID's blog are dead.

***************************************************************************************************

The Shorts head back to...

DORSET, ENGLAND: STEVE - 2006 OR 2007

Steve (considered by some to be England's finest postie) vogued for the camera...

...and The Mistress (AKA 'MJ') took the day and The Shorts with an epic poem of a winning caption. I'll let The Mistress set the scene in her own words:

"This poem is about Steve's fag hag wife Carly. She's tarted herself up on Christmas Eve awaiting the return home of her beloved Steve. She's hoping for a night of the old in-out-in-out. But closet-case Steve shows up on the doorstep with a 'poofy old queer', i.e. Steve's poofter pal John (AKA 'Piggy'). It's a true story!"

A Fag Hag's Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and somewhere in Dorset

Carly put on her high heels and corset

The sex toys were placed on the mantle with care

In hopes that her Stevie soon would be there.

The kids in their beds were all safely tucked

“Let Steve be here soon and please let me get fucked!

Carly awaited the jolly old elf

But he took so damn long she got started herself

When out on the porch there arose such a clatter

She tripped o’er the vibrator cord to see what was the matter

When what to her wandering eyes should appear

But a postie in elf shorts and a poofy old queer

Steve spoke not a word but reached under his sac

Anal beads and a dildo pulled out of his crack

“I’ve been havin’ some fun with this Yorkshire fairy

You’re too smooth, Carly. I like ‘em hairy.

Carly smiled at the pair and invited them in

I’ll put on some Kylie, help yourself to the gin

Steve exclaimed as he raised his glassful of cheer

“I’m homo for the holidays, get used to it dear!"

Wow.

By the way, The Mistress says that between SID and Steve, The Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts became so stained beyond recognition that no amount of scrubbing on her part could erase them, so she apologizes to all subsequent winners.

All links to Steve's and John's blogs are broken.

Update 12/04/2018: Mistress informs me that John passed away in 2010. Here is her post about this sad event.

***********************************************************************************************************

The Shorts traveled back to...

CANADA: THE MISTRESS (A.K.A.: MJ) - MAY TO JUNE 2007

Mistress teased us before she pleased us:

Soon Mistress posted this pic of her bravely (or foolishly) wearing The Shorts over her face...

...to which Inexplicable DeVice (IDV) winningly quipped:

"Ladyboy MJ quickly covers her 5 o'clock shadow and Adam's apple with The Elf Shorts as she catches sight of her next punter."

The Mistress' blog is still going strong. Click the following links to view her FGES PREVIEW, her COMPO, and her RESULTS.

Mistress didn't take just one photo with The Shorts; here are some from the cutting room floor:

***************************************************************************************************

The Mistress had a hard time parting ways with The Shorts, but eventually she sent them to their new home in...

NORWICH, NORFOLK, ENGLAND: IDV (INEXPLICABLE DeVICE) - SEPTEMBER 2007

Here is IDV's captionable image...

...and winning caption by Eroswings (another poem):

"IDV thighs,

IDV thighs,

Every morning you greet me.

Long and White,

Smooth and Bright,

You look horny to meet me.

Blossom among Hoes

May you Bloom and Glow

Bloom and Glow forever

IDV thighs

IDV thighs

Be STD free forever"

IDV's BLOG is still a thing of beauty. Here you can read his helpful RULES for the competition, his actual COMPO, and his RESULTS.

And here, just for the fun of it, are some photo-manipulations of the above pic by S.I.D. that I found while researching this history:

And for even more fun, here's a bonus pic of IDV in The Shorts in what appears to be from the same photo session as his competition picture:

***********************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts relocated to...

TEXAS, U.S.A.: EROSWING - NOVEMBER TO DECEMBER 2007

Here's Eroswing's beef-cakey pose...

...which Tatas captioned with yet another rhymey thingy:

"Them elf shorts they don't fit,

He needs to use them to cover his bits.

He holds on to his hat as the wind picks up,

For hours he'll be getting sand out from his butt."

Eroswing's BLOG is still running, and here you may see his COMPO and the RESULTS.

And here's a bonus photo of Eroswing actually wearing The Shorts on his booty on Booty Street:

And here's a photo-composition IDV made:

***************************************************************************************************

Back across the Pond to...

BERKSHIRE, ENGLAND: TATAS - 2007 OR 2008

...where Tatas posted this pic...

Is there a bustle in your hedgerow?

...and CyberPete won with...WHAT! ANOTHER poem?:

"With boots of rubber

waiting for her lubber

ready for action

with decent traction

bum in place

and hidden face

the shorts so snug

you can see her rug

but gentlemen beware

and tread with care

the hedge clippers are ready

so keep it steady

if not she will snip

and it won't be your lip."

All links to Tata's blog are broken.

***********************************************************************************************************

For the first time The Shorts traveled to...

DENMARK: CYBERPETE - MAY 2008 TO SEPTEMBER 2010

CyberPete posted this hilarious photo...

...for which Donn (yes, with two N's) won with this caption:

"Hey Sailor, 

mi Curaçao es su Curaçao 

u like?

H'OKAY TWANTEE DULLAH!"

CyberPete held on to The Shorts for an astonishingly long time (but not as long as someone eIse, as you will see). At least she seemed to have a grand time with them and took A LOT of pictures to prove it:

Finally, Pete seems ready to say goodbye.

All packed up with some Danish goodies ready to go to Donn.

CyberPete's BLOG has not been updated since 2016, but here are da RULES, da COMPO, and da RESULTS.

***************************************************************************************************

Now, for the fourth time, The Shorts visited the Land Up Above...

WINNIPEG, MANITOBA, CANADA: DONN - OCTOBER 2010

Here's Donn receiving The Shorts:

Shortly (see what I did there?) thereafter Donn posted this amazing collage:

This is when my own fate became intertwined with those of The Shorts. Little then did I realize how large a part of my life they were to become.

I had recently made friends with Donn via the blogosphere, and so I was able to have my own go at writing a caption for his pic. My effort wasn't very good, I realize now, and so it's little wonder that the prize went to Beast with his multiple captions in word balloons:

Giant Beaver: "Nice shorts, girlyboy"

First Terrorist: "Yoohoo"

Second Terrorist: Fucky! Fucky!

Donn: "Why Me???"

DONN'S BLOG has not been updated since 2015, but here we see DONN RECEIVING THE SHORTS, his COMPO, and his RESULTS.

***********************************************************************************************************

The Shorts hopped back over to...

BOURNMOUTH, DORSET, ENGLAND: BEAST - APRIL TO MAY 2011

At this point the time-line of The Shorts became a bit muddled. All that's known for certain is that The Shorts languished in the slovenly "care" of Beast for some months. Undisclosed sources had it that he was wearing them to bed each night in place of his SpongeBob boxer shorts. At some point Beast's neighbor Ms. Scarlet took matters into her own hands and removed The Shorts from Beast's clutches. According to The Mistress, this involved the use of tongs to lift them from the floor of Beast's den. As Beast would have us believe, The Shorts were nicked from his clothesline where they were airing out. Here is photographic "evidence" for his claim:

The truth may never be known, but the world owes Ms. Scarlet a debt of gratitude for saving The Shorts from possible death by neglect. All told, The Shorts contest was inactive from about November of 2010 to June of 2012 - not quite as long as CyberPete's hold on them, but still a hefty chunk of time. Still, they both pale in comparison to a certain lovable miscreant, as you shall see.

Here is a link to Beast's BLOG, however there are no links to his competition, because there never was one.

***********************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts were in...

DEVON, ENGLAND: MS. SCARLET - MAY TO JUNE 2012

Needless to say, there is no picture of Beast wearing the Shorts, but Ms. Scarlet hosted her own contest with the purloined rescued Shorts (after a prolonged and complicated sterilization process):

For the first time in Shorts History someone won them a second time. That winner was IDV with this gem:

"On the set of Tim Burton's latest film, Edwina Elfshorts, Helena Bottom-Carter glumly awaits take twenty-three of the 'wedgie' scene."

Ms. Scarlet's old BLOG is still around (sort of) but here is her NEW BLOG, and here are her FGES COMPO and RESULTS.

Here's a bonus photo of "Scarlet" frisking in The Shorts:

***************************************************************************************************

The Shorts went back to...

NORWICH, NORFOLK, ENGLAND: IDV - JUNE 2012 TO MAY 2013

...where IDV posted his second wearin' o' the green...

...for which Princess supplied the winning caption:

"Dr. DeVice opens his new Dental Clinic:

'Let me thrill you while I drill you'"

Here is IDV's ANNOUNCEMENT of his reluctant (and unintended) second win, his RULES, his COMPO, and the RESULTS.


And here is a bonus photo-composition by IDV:

***********************************************************************************************************

Now The Shorts were making their first trip Down Under, to...

BENDIGO, VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA: PRINCESS - JUNE 2013 TO ??????

That was in June of 2013, and it was the last time that particular pair of Elf Shorts was seen in public. 

For reasons unknown, Princess never got around to hosting her own competition. She seemed quite eager to get them as you can see HERE and HERE.

Sharp-eyed readers may have noted that the date in that first link is one day BEFORE IDV's announcement of the winner. At first I thought something hinky was afoot, until I remembered that Australia is a day ahead of England. Bloody time-travelers - always getting the news first.

When the blessed day arrived, Prinny seemed quite thrilled, although she did take the precaution of handling The Shorts with tongs (a prevailing theme with TFGES it seems) and bunging them into an inert glass jar with a securely-sealing lid (photos by Prinny, captions by me):

What on Earth!?

Aaauuuggghhh! They're alive!

"Quick, Henry! The Flit!"

Well, at least they didn't come empty-handed. These should hold them down while I fetch the tongs.

Whew! That was a close one!

After months stretched into years, in early 2017 yours truly decided to get proactive. I made attempts to contact Prinny via the blogosphere, and email. Such attempts failed. I have a very good friend who lives about 40 miles from Bendigo. He said that if I could find out where Prinny lived, he'd pay him a friendly visit to inquire about The Shorts.

So, using clues gleaned from Prinny's blog and Google Maps and Earth, I finally managed to locate Prinny's lair. Before siccing my friend Steve (who is a big pussy cat, but is rather intimidating-looking) on him, I wrote Prinny a snail mail, informing him that his previously secure location was no longer so secure. Either the letter went astray in Australia, or Prinny ignored it. Unfortunately, my friend has some health issues, and he wasn't able to mount the expedition to exotic Bendigo.

I then contacted Andrea, the lady QUEEN who started all this so many years ago. I explained the situation, and asked her where she had gotten The Shorts. I figured getting a new pair from the same source would be the closest I could come to the long-lost originals. To my surprise and delight, she said she would order a new pair from the same website she'd used, and she even offered to foot the bill. What a saint! A new pair from the founder of the competition was even closer to the original Shorts! 

Update (September 28, 2024) But wait! There's more! In December of 2022 I finally traveled to Australia to visit my bestie Steve. I stayed for two wonderful weeks. On one of those 14 days we paid a surprise visit to Prinny's home. I couldn't be sure if he still lived there, or even, God forbid, he was still on this mortal coil.

We approached the quaint wooden house and knocked on the screen door. After a moment, the inner door was opened. The interior of the house was rather dim, and through the dark screen I could see the outline of what appeared to be a diminutive woman. This was confirmed when a sweet elderly voice asked, "Yes?" I knew then that I must be in the presence of Prinny's beloved Empress (mother). I asked if Mr. (real name redacted) was available. The dim apparition responded to the effect of, "Yes, just a mom moment". Soon a larger shadow with a male voice appeared at the door.

To make a long story short, Prinny revealed that the original FGES had been lost. It was obvious that Prinny had been following the revived competition, for he knew of my involvement in that. We thanked him for his time and went on our way. I was a little disappointed that I was unable to recover the original Shorts, but at least we now have an answer to the reason for their disappearance. Perhaps it's for the best. Since the FGES II have been circumnavigating the globe, it would have really muddied the timeline to have two Shorts in play. 

Princess's blog has not been updated since 2017.

**************************************************************************************************

So now The Shorts were in...

NORTHERN CALIFORNIA: RIMPY  RIMPINGTON - JULY TO AUGUST 2018

Shortly after receiving The (new) Shorts...

...I revived the moribund competition, much to the joy of their many fans around the world. Here I am, modeling them, stain-, stink-, and (somewhat) stretch-free:

Sorry about your eyes.

AlopJones was the first Tumblr blog owner to participate in TFGES Caption Competition, and she won with this caption:

"'Try online dating,' they said. 'Everyone's doing it,' they said. 'What've you got to lose?' they said."

HERE is a link to my competition is, and here are the RESULTS.

********************************************************************************************************

So The Shorts were now on their way to...

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON: ALPOJONES - SEPTEMBER 2018 TO NOVEMBER 2018

There was much anticipation of the arrival of The Shorts in the Emerald City:

Finally they arrived:

Here is AlpoJones' official competition picture:

And here is a bonus photo sporting a suspicious stain:

Here are links to AlpoJones' BLOG and COMPETITION, plus a special ANNOUNCEMENT on my blog.

Ms. Scarlet became another two-time winner with this caption:

"There's nothing like a good fiddle under my bonnet with a few chums."

Despite being a little under the weather, Esmeralda insisted on helping to send The Shorts to their new home:

*****************************************************************************************************

So The Shorts were now heading back to:

DEVON, ENGLAND: MS. SCARLET - NOVEMBER 2018 TO NOVEMBER 2022

AlpoJones sent off The Shorts and some souvenirs in short (heh heh) order. Ms. Scarlet says she should have her competition up - appropriately - by Christmas. We can't wait to see who enters, who wins and where The Shorts shall go next.

UPDATE (posted December 15, 2021): In a post on her blog, dated December 5, 2021, Ms. Scarlet (perhaps with some encouragement from this historian) casually let drop the bomb that she would be hosting her caption competition beginning January 1, 2022, with a winner to be announced on January 31 16*, 2022. Watch this space for more details as they become available.

UPDATE (posted January 2, 2022): True to her word, Ms. Scarlet unveiled her caption competition on January 1, 2022, with this photo:

*Scarlet changed the date of the announcement of the winner between her initial post and her official caption competition.

********************************************************************************

UPDATE: December 30, 2021:

I thought this would be a good time to make a special mention of one (or perhaps four?) Infomaniac Bitch(es), and two-time (eight-time?) winner(s) of the Shorts, who have been steadily contributing to the lore (or dare I utilize that over-used word “canon”?) of the FGES. I refer to none other than Inexplicable DeVice.

Not only are IDV the creators of the beautiful map of the journey of the FGES as they have bounced around the globe (see top of this blog), they have also been keeping careful track of the Shorts’ whereabouts, while also dropping sometimes-subtle/sometimes-sledgehammer-blunt hints to their current holder in an attempt to keep the stinky slinkies traveling. Much of these hints were so subtle that I, the official historian of the Shorts, didn’t notice them, even when the evidence was right before my eyes.

I wanted to try to make up for this lack of attention on my part by presenting a brief chronology of IDV’s many references to and updates about the Shorts. Some are factual, some are fanciful, but all are wonderful.

August 1, 2018: While the new Shorts were in my possession and awaiting entries in the caption contest, IDV presented this public service message warning us all about the dangers of preposterous, imposterous polyester.

July 30, 2019: IDV gifted us with an updated version of the FGES map to show their return to the clutches of Ms. Scarlet

August 28, 2019: IDV unveiled the first installment, titled “Just a Jump to the Left”, of an epic saga spanning time and space, featuring many Infomaniac Bitches. Although the FGES themselves do not appear in this first chapter, it would be remiss not to present all the parts.

September 1, 2019: The FGES made their first appearance in the second chapter of IDV’s time travel fantasy, called “The Emerald Elf Shorts”. Yours truly had a supporting role.

September 5, 2019: Things really heat up in Chapter Three, “The Pink Carriage of No Horse Drawn".

September 8, 2019. The Shorts are the key to admission to a fabled city, in Chapter Four, “Feather Brained".

September 13, 2019: It is revealed that the Shorts may be a source of energy, in Chapter Five, “Visiting the Viridian Village”.

September 15, 2019: The story comes to a rollicking, and touching, conclusion in Chapter Six, “The I.T. Wizard of Oz”.

New Year’s Eve (December 31, if you must know), 2019: IDV of course mentioned all these references to the FGES, along with many other strange and wonderful things, in their end-of-the-year review, “The Year of the Ancient Groyne Coven Awards”.

August 27, 2020: The Shorts (or their hatchlings, rather) made cameo appearances in some garden photos, from a post titled “Not the Device Mansion Gardens: The Sequel”. I didn’t notice, and no one else might have either, but one thorough reader caught their name listed in the labels for the post. I present for your enjoyment the pictures themselves:

September 3, 2020: The Shorts’ hatchlings made more cameo appearances, this time on the beach in “Thursday Swim: Wet Winkles and Gloomy Groynes”. They were easier to spot against the backdrop of fifty-shades-of-grey clouds, waves, sand, and timber, because at least two Bitches noticed them, including the guilt-racked Scarlet:

September 10, 2020: A hatchling again managed to sneak into one photo from IDV’s nature walk, in “A Little Broad, Perhaps?”. Again, the more clever Bitches picked up on it, while this historian Bitch snoozed:

September 15, 2020: A spawn of the FGES was caught on camera, flauntingly sunbathing on a toadstool, in “Sea Swims and Sodden, Sparkling Groynes”. Those weren’t the only groynes and shorts flaunted at the beach that day, but you’ll have to find those yourself (it’s worth the search):

December 3, 2020: A picture of IDV’s shapely gams in the original Shorts, from the time of their first caption competition, made an appearance in “That Old Back Passage Called Love”:

December 26, 2020: A Shorts hatchling somehow invaded a package of Ferrero Roche in a brief post titled simply “Uh, Oh", startling several readers:

December 28, 2020: IDV made a couple of digs at Ms. Scarlet in a bold attempt to goad her into holding her caption competition, in “The Year of Ferrero Rochering Dangerously(Coven Awards 2020)”. This isn’t a picture of the Shorts or their babies, but I thought it deserved a special place in the history:

March 22, 2021: The Shorts again are referenced in the third installment of a multi-part tale called “The Calamities of the Carmine Quill".

December 20, 2021: The FGES are not mentioned by name (except in the labels, but a photo of them gracing The Mistress’s loins appears in Part 1 of “IDV’s Wonderful Winterval Panto!”.

December 23, 2021: The Shorts are mentioned repeatedly by name in Part 2 of “IDV’s (Redacted) Winterval Panto!”.

And that brings us up to date on IDV’s contributions to the history and mystery of the Freakin’ Green Elf Shorts. Any omissions and errors are purely my own.

**********************************************************************

We now return to our continuing history...

*********************************************

The Shorts wung there way from England to...

DOYLESTOWN/NEW HOPE, PENNSYLVANIA, USA: MISTRESS 

BORGHESE (AKA: MADDIE) NOVEMBER 2022 TO NOVEMBER 2022

Maddie posted their contest on December 17, 2022

Contest link: A DAY WITH THE MISTRESS BORGHESE: THE FREAKIN'GREEN ELF SHORTS COMPETITION (mistressmaddie.blogspot.com)

A couple of pictures of the Shorts' arrival:

Some outtake photos before the official competition photo:

And finally, the captionable picture itself, posted November 17, 2022:

On December 28, 2022, Janie Junebug was announced the winner with this wholesome limerick:

"There once was a fellow named Maddie

And if you were a fine pool boy, he'd have ye

And when he was done

In his tacky green elf shorts he'd tuck away his 14 inch one

And that was fun for our Maddie."

**********************************************

Now the Shorts found themselves in balmy...

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA, USA: JANIE JUNEBUG - DECEMBER 2024 TO JULY 2024

Junie held her competition on December 12, 2023, with the help of a local Florida Man:

Winner: Rimpy Rimpington

I am pleased to announce that I, Rimpy Rimpington, was the winner of Junie's contest. Here was my humble caption:

"The shelves where he kept our nation's secrets were bare;

For that Grinchly Jack Smith had just been the

*******************************************

PORTLAND, OREGON, USA: RIMPY RIMPINGTON - JULY 2024 TO PRESENT

Since I am recently retired, I am planning on traveling the country for awhile. I shall take the Shorts with me, and hopefully capture some pictures of myself and the Shorts at interesting places. From those I shall select one to be the next entry in the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition.

*********************************************************************

Well, that is the whole history, as near as I could make it, of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Caption Competition up to this point. If anyone has any corrections or suggestions, please email me at rimpyrimpington@gmail.com, or in the comments section of this post. I would love to hear from you. I would especially like to hear from anyone who may have contact information for former winners of The Shorts who have disappeared from the interwebs:

Frally

Jon

Kim

Karen

Spirit of Owl

Strude

PuppDaddy

Matthias

April Pissoff

Herge

Ship Creak

S.I.D.

Steve

Tata

I shall continue to update new moments in the life of The Shorts as they happen, as long as I have breath left in me.

And before I go, I'd like to give a big "thank you" to Andrea, the founder and reviver of the The Freaking Green Elf Shorts Competition. We love you!

All Hail Elf Queen Andrea - the Founder of the Fest!

The End (for now)