Sunday, July 15, 2018

Return of the Revenge of the Son of The Freakin' Green Elf Shorts

Some of you have been waiting a very long time for this, so it gives me great pleasure to announce the return of....drum roll please...


I realize others of you may not have a clue as to what the heck this is all about - in which case I suggest that you avail yourselves of The Mistress's Definitive History

We'll get to the competition in a bit (the more impatient of you can scroll on down and feast your eyes - and I hope you shall have a good appetite for it!), but first I wanted to describe my own involvement with the FGES and explain how this current iteration of the competition came about.

Well, it all started way back in 2010. I had recently begun following the blog of a mild-mannered Canadian (aren't they all?) named Donn (yes, with two N's). Donn had recently won the FGES (AKA: The Shorts) from CyberPete. I didn't fully understand the whole thing, but it looked like fun, so I submitted my own caption for Donn's picture:

What the serious F is going on here?
Being a new-comer to the Blogosphere in general, and to The Shorts competition in particular, and being rather befuddled by the above image, my caption was, predictably, quite lame. You can look it up yourself on Donn's site, but I won't make it easy for you by providing a link

Needless to say, I didn't win that round, but I was hooked. I decided I'd better up my game if I was going to have a chance at the winning the filthy things. I began to follow the journey of The Shorts as they made their way around the UK (perhaps not coincidentally, the next three winners were all Brits) and the internet. I submitted captions every time the current owner held a new competition, sometimes several captions at a time (which is allowed). I was a runner-up once or twice, and I might have actually won them at one point, but the then-owner didn't know I had a blog, which is one of the few hard and fast (that's what she said) rules of the competition. Anyone may submit captions, but if you want to have a chance to win The Shorts, you must have a blog.

Eventually, The Shorts wound up in the sartorially talented hands of The Princess, in Bendigo, Victoria, Australia. When last seen, The Shorts were being locked up in a large canning jar, to protect "Prinny" and her mother The Empress from any contaminants:

That was in June of 2013. As far as anyone knows, The Shorts may still be in that jar. Hopefully they haven't turned to goo from anaerobic bacteria. Prinny assured us that she would host her own competition soon. So we waited. And waited. And waited. Occasionally a FGES follower would inquire of Prinny when she planned on putting up her compo (as they might say in Oz). Despite some vague assurances from Prinny, nothing happened. We were patient, aware that Prinny and The Empress had busy lives and some problems with their health. Eventually Prinny herself seemed to drop off the radar. She hasn't had a new post on her blog since October of 2017.

It was about that same time I decided to get proactive about this situation. I contacted Donn via Facebook, asking him for suggestions. I believe it was he who gave me the idea of peer pressure. To that end I began to compile a list of all the past winners of the FGES, taking special note of those who still had an on-line presence. I realized that The Mistress, being the leader of the Infomaniac Bitches, seemed to have her finger most firmly on the pulse of the FGES competition. I contacted her about the problem, and the very next day she posted this. It did garner a response from Prinny, but no promise of action. In the months that followed, Prinny occasionally made comments on other posts by The Mistress, but her own blog remained dark.

I also contacted Andrea, the woman who started the FGES competition all those years ago. She has a page on Facebook for her photography business. She was interested to see that people were still keen on The Shorts, and asked me to keep her apprised of any developments.

When The Shorts went to Prinny, I was surprised to find that Bendigo is only about 45 minutes from the home of my best mate, Steve. I joked to Prinny that I might send my mate around to nick them. She, in turn, joked that she was installing a "Rimpy's friend alarm". When I decided to try a more direct approach, I contacted my "man in the field" and asked him if he was willing. Being one of the loosest units in Australia (but a real pussycat under his rough exterior), he's ready for anything from pitch-and-toss to manslaughter:

Isn't he cute?
But before I could turn him loose on an unsuspecting Princess, I needed to know where exactly she lived.

So, yes - I stalked poor Prinny. I read every post from her blog, looking for clues to help me pinpoint the location of The Palais. Armed with those clues, I used Google Earth and some skills I gleaned from a Bachelor's Degree in Geography (hey, I've got to put them to use somehow). And I did it! I found out her secret lair.

I had softened on the idea of having my burly mate turn up on her doorstep unannounced. Such a sight might give The Princess vapors or put The Empress right into cardiac shock. So I wrote Prinny an old-fashioned snail mail, to let know her that I now knew her location, and gently threatened to actually send my mate around if she didn't either host her own competition forthwith or relinquish The Shorts to the rough character bending his porch slats.

And...nothing. I don't know if my letter actually made it to Prinny's home, or if she chose to ignore it. My mate, although willing, was having health problems of his own, and couldn't manage to make it around.

After a few months of waiting for a reply, it was time for Plan B. One of the Infomaniacs had suggested we reboot the competition with a new pair of FGES. I again contacted Andrea and let her know that despite my best efforts, I was unable to unearth the original Shorts. I then asked her whence she had ordered them, in the interests of authenticity. To my great surprise and delight, she ordered a new pair herself and had them shipped to me. I offered to reimburse her, but she wouldn't hear of it. So once again, all praise and glory to Andrea - not only is she the founder of the competition, but also the reviver of it.

We love you, Andrea!
Now the purists among you may be saying, "But these aren't the original Shorts!", to which I say, "You're right, but I think I've done everything humanly possible to get Princess to continue the contest." Others may say, "Yeah, but you didn't actually win The Shorts. What right have you to host this competition?", to which I say, "My, you're a bunch of biddies, aren't you? See the answer to the previous question. Besides, I slaved over a hot laptop, working my fingers to the bone stalking a very nice middle-aged man who has some health issues. Don't I deserve a little something?" Also, there is something of a precedent: according to Shorts lore, Miss Scarlet had to nick The Shorts from Beast to save them from his famously slovenly lifestyle. She then hosted the competition herself.

And to Prinny, if you're reading this, I think I speak on behalf of FGES fans everywhere when I say that we hope you and The Empress are well, and we wish you the best, and bear you no ill will for the delay in the competition.

Oh, I almost forgot. It's one of the rules of the competition that if the winner is from another country, the host of the competition should include some souvenirs from his own country along with The Shorts. By coincidence, my Aussie mate had visited Bendigo before he even knew of the existence of Prinny and The Shorts. He liked the fact that three consecutive letters in the name of the town are the same as my name (I'm not saying which ones, but it shouldn't be hard to work out), so he sent me some Bendigo items. In keeping with the spirit of the competition, I will pretend that they are from Prinny, as if I had won The Shorts legitimately:

Bendigo swag

Bendigo is an old mining town, hence the...mining...machine...thing on the hat.

Despite its rather phallic appearance, this is a bookmark.

He's a mine tour bus driver. I am also a bus driver, which is why my mate chose him.

Postcard of the historic Shamrock Hotel.

A nice message on back of card.
An ornate fountain at night.

A very typical greeting from my Aussie mate.

Okay! Jeez. So, without further flummery, I present to you the newly revived Freakin' Green Elf Shorts Competition. Here is my picture, awaiting your captions:

I'm wearing the Bendigo hat for a connection with the last-known location of the originals.

There you have it. Let your imaginations run wild. Remember, anyone can enter as many captions as they like, but if you want to be considered to win, you must own a blog. Previous winners are also eligible to win again. Since the competition has lain moribund for five years, it may take time for the news to spread, so I am giving about a month for submissions. The deadline is 11:59:59 PM PDT on Wednesday, August 15, 2018 (that's one second until Thursday, Aug. 16, for the time/date-challenged). Good luck.

P.S.: A special thanks to The Mistress for her help with FGES history, rules and advice. I couldn't have done it without you.

Saturday, July 14, 2018

The NEW and Improved Freakin' Green Elf Shorts!

If anyone doesn't know what this about, I suggest you start by reading The Mistress's Definitive History of the Freakin' Green Elf Shorts (warning: some content NSFW).


Hmm...what is this mysterious package I've received? 

GAH! What in the world is that?!

Oh my God! It's Freakin' Green Elf Shorts! Whatever shall I do with them?

More about this very soon.